Dear Rodney
by Mattora
Summary: After a mental breakdown, John is send to earth to recover. Warning: Insanity, mention of Character Death, major confusion
1. Chapter 1

**_Title: Dear Rodney_**

**_Characters: _John Sheppard_  
Warning: _Partly Insanity, mention of Character Death, confusion**

Summary: After a mental breakdown, John is send to earth to recover.

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

This is the most pointless and inane letter I have ever written. But the psych says it will help me deal with 'the loss', and since they won't allow me to do anything else, I might as well give it try. I hate writing, especially when done pen on paper... This is really tiresome, you would laugh at me seeing how long it takes me to just write one paragraph down.

But you won't ever again laugh at me – at least I'm past denial, ain't that a good thing?

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

I wonder how you're doing? I don't believe in god or heaven – no, that would be lying, for I do believe in ascending and all sort of dimension crap and rebirth, so I do believe into the god concept somehow – well, I think you are doing fine. I'm not only writing this to please my psych so she will finally leave me alone. I really think you are doing fine, for I have seen what you can do when pissed off. And I bet you are quite pissed of realizing you are dead, ain't you? Sometimes I wonder why you don't come back to haunt me like you promised.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

I'm bored. I'm really, really bored. Not the sort of bored you get being the military commander on Atlantis waiting for a new catastrophe to strike – for this was busy waiting, waiting for something inevitable to happen. And I always could go down into lab 1 and annoy you a bit if waiting got old. Or, if I was really unfortunate, I would run into Ronon who would drag me into the gym and beat me up, calling it sparing. I wonder what the big guy is doing now? It has been three months since I last heard anything from Atlantis – maybe he's dead as well?  
I better stop this train of thought, or they will stuff me with antidepressants again, claiming I'm endangering myself – ain't that ridiculous?  
Like I would kill myself after surviving for this long? See how stupid those psychs are?

Yours sincerely, John


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

What's there left to write? The psych tries to push me into admitting feeling guilty, even though I don't. I know blaming myself would be futile – I have thought about what happened numerous times, but I still can't find one thing I could have done to prevent this. Unless you count tying you down on your bed in the first place or time travel in. Still, the psych keeps probing me, trying to talk me into feeling responsible for thinking you were a grown man with a brain bigger than a solar system and capable of just damn well capable of knowing what to do to not die!

Everybody told me '_it wasn't your fault John_' - so why are they now busy trying to tell me it was?

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

The lady psych is a pain in the ass. You know how we used to complained about Heightmeyer all the time? Nothing compared to the Freudian monster I'm currently confronted with. I'm just waiting for her to start asking about my mother and if I hated my Dad. But for now, she wants me to write down how you died.

Like there's any need to tell you – you were the one it happened to!

But to shut her up...

We had been hiking offworld, exploring our new mainland, when it suddenly started pouring, real hard. It took us ages to get back to the puddle jumper, only to find that it had been swept away by a river that had not been there before. So we had to stay for the night, wet to the bone, sitting around a tiny fire in a damp cave. We came home, got checked up, cleared for duty, you had developed a bit of a cough, nothing serious but complained anyway... A few days passed when you suddenly collapsed in the lab, severe pneumonia. Keller was offworld, the junior doc gave you antibiotics and infusions, nothing helped, Biro later told us your heart was inflamed, even if noticed your chances would have been very low.

Satisfied now, Dr Narmson?  
I did what you asked me to, so can we end this now?

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

It's me again. Dr Narmson is still bothering me, wanting me to write down what 'really' happened. Yeah, right, what really happened... Who cares? You could have died that way, but you didn't. The fact you're dead is still the same to me.

Okay, here comes 'the truth', so keep your eyes open Dr Narmson!

I had been feeling strange lately, my head hurt like hell and I was really irritated. Not the best of times to go for a offworld mission. But we had to check up on some allies, and since it had been a while since the team – though minus Teyla now – had gotten out to play.

Rodney had been prattling every since we had step through the gate; so after three miles or so, I just turned around and shot him. Ronon thanked me, and helped me drag him back to Atlantis, were everybody had a wild party to celebrate the most abrasive and arrogant person in the whole universe was gone.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Rodney, 

I'm on antidepressants again, I have no idea what they give me but I don't care for real. Dr Narmson is giving me the evil eye, but, well, I don't care for that either. She's still bugging me to write to you about your death; Each time I'm finished, she asks me to do another one – seriously, does this woman have a real life at all? Maybe she's selling my writings on ebay, making a billion dollars? Yeah, that sounds right, maybe I should include a bit more about my life on Atlantis and my adventures... I think they gave me some real good AD's this time, hu?

Okay, back to you dying, were did I stop – ah, right, the lab! You were in the lab, working on an ancient device, when I popped in asking you out for dinner (not like that Dr Narmson, not like that). You said okay, handed me the artefact and went to switch off your laptop. Suddenly the device started glowing, wrapping me in some sort of shield, which expanded rapidly. You yelled at me to turn it off, but I couldn't, you got pressed against the wall by the shield but it wouldn't stop, I heard your bones break, you stop screaming... The thing ran out of energy, I radio Keller, thought about giving you CPR, but 'you' were a massive bloody spot on the wall, like a ugly graffiti...  
There was no point trying anyway, I just waited till they pushed me out of the way and tended to ...'you'...

Oh, Narmson is giving me the evil eye, better stop before she takes away my pen, see you next time, I'm not mad you never write back, you are dead after all.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

It's raining. No, looks more like snow, but I can't go out and check for myself, they won't let me get out of here. Maybe this is just some weird dream, or a hallucination? Like back on that planet where this Wraith-Ancient-Generator made us go insane? I almost killed you, and you kept nagging at me about it.  
We did this a lot back then. Killing each other _almost_, and arguing about it later on, '_it's your fault, not it wasn't!_'.  
For we always survived. Now there's nobody left who's nagging at me, except DR Narmson, but she's at nut case herself, so that doesn't count.  
Funny, I do miss you insulting me. No, that's not true, I miss you talking about everything at the same time only to forget what you were really going at, and then blame me for messing you up, though I hadn't said anything.

If this is a hallucination, couldn't I just pretend you were here? I'm labeled insane anyway, so why not have a imaginary friend as well?

But that won't work, right? I still see you lying in that coffin, dead as dust, so I can't pretend you just being here and nagging at me, all alive and well. Sorry.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

The Freudian is after me again... Now she wants to know why I call you Rodney when addressing to you in person, and call you Dr McKay when talking about you to her. Geez, who knows? It's easier to write Rodney anyway, and that's what I called you, Ro-dne-y!

If I told Narmson you in turn always called me Colonel Sheppard or Sheppard, but never by my first name, she'd have a field day. What's so bad about that anyway?

We were team mates, and we got along; If you were comfortable with calling me Sheppard but not John, that was your choice and nobody's else.

Yours sincerely, John


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Rodney,

Life sucks, and a life spend in a mental home particularly sucks. If I remember correctly, Carter revered to it as rehabilitation center; rehabilitation my ass. They just locked me away in case I might snap and try to kill those that murdered you. Can't blame Carter for that though; I had almost cut off her arm, and if Ronon hadn't stopped me - Well, she wanted to leave Atlantis anyway, not the drama, and Keller patched her up nicely, didn't she?

They murdered you, and I let them – can you ever forgive me? Sorry Rodney for not backing you up, for not trusting you.  
Isn't it ironic? This time, Zelenka was the one sure it would work, and you were the one who said it wouldn't; but since this is Zelenka, hey, double checking stuff and all that, I thought you were just envious. A little throwback into good old petty times were it was just you and the nobel prize...  
I should have known better; now you are dead, killed by a catastrophe you weren't able to stop from taking place.  
You are dead, because I thought Doranda was long past me. Sorry buddy, I'm sorry for real.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

They threat to tie my down if I don't stop. Stop what?  
Dr Dragon Narmson says I'm refusing to open up to her, says I need to let her in so she can help me, that I need to stop blocking uunpleasnt things out. At first she tried to lure me out by saying I might be allowed to go out into the yard if I tag along; now she's back to threating me. So be it. I

doubt they could keep me locked up for long – learned a few lessons offworld, as you know.

Like when this high priest wanted to sacrifice me to the Wraith? Ha, not only did I free myself, but also you and Teyla and Ronon and even retrieved your laptop! Of course, I can hear you snickering - I know, I know, I got caught and stayed it from time to time. But more often than not I was already running round free again long before you returned with help. It annoyed you to no end that I always seemed to come on top, whilst you were the one who got tied with barbwire, chained in cast iron, locked up in a cave with no way out or without a villagers daughter that's in love with you. You were not dumber than me, you just had bad luck when it came to getting caught.  
But we were a team, right? I came for you, you came for me, and we always escaped. What you think, I let them tie me down, and you come for me? I promise not to try to get out on my own this time, and you can play McKay to the rescue for once – but only if you don't brag to much about it, okay?

Yours sincerely, John


	5. Chapter 5

_AN Thank you :)  
_

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

Yesterday, they allowed me to eat with a real knife and fork for the first time again. It was ridiculous how exited I was – but one month being tube feed and four having to eat with a spoon can do this to a man.

The meal itself – well, mashed potatoes, beans and salty meat balls. It tasted like a seven year old MRE. You would have loved it.

Sorry, I'm doing it again, though I promised to keep your memory in high esteem and not keep on mocking you even when your dead. But ... that's who you were! A friendly, though a bit egoistic and arrogant man at times, who could enjoy a meal like if ever met before. We kept teasing you about it, betting on your weight and telling you openly we thought you were fat. Which was not true! You only were a bit softer than the rest of the team, and had a knack for dressing unfavorable; but when I had to carry you back home after you got shot on a mission once, I realized you really weren't that heavy at all. Sure, you liked to eat a lot – but it was a balanced diet, lots of fruits and vegetables, and you even ate those horrible broccoli that came with the chicken MRE.

I should have defended you in front of Ronon, even when I didn't know you had the ability to read our thoughts due to that experiment. I was the team leader; I should not have allowed him to continue teasing you, and for sure I shouldn't have joined in. But just like I couldn't stop Ronon from making jokes about your weight, I didn't notice what was wrong with you until it was to late. I am so dull I can't even begin to cover it. Hell, I even encouraged your sudden turn towards sports and training.  
You started eating alone in your lab; but that was nothing new. I got suspicious when you barely ate anything offworld - but you always played it down to some stomach bug or general mistrust towards the locals, and I believed you. Wanted, needed, had to believe you.  
I was really stupefied to find you in the infirmary, clad in scrubs – emaciated, so thin your veins showed through. It was my fault that you refused to eat even then; you refused to live, and not even being tube feed could save you. You withered away, hungering yourself to death because of your stupid friends who never noticed how much you hurt.

Sorry for bring that up again; I promised not to. Still, you need to hear it, and everybody who knew you – you were perfect the way you were, damn!  
It's not fair you of all people dying from starvation!

John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

Get me out of here. I'm begging you.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

Dr Narmson has given me crayons. Yeah, you read me right. She gave me _crayons_.

And told me to try painting for a change. What am I, a four year old? Well, being the good boy I am, I did a painting for her. A real good one aswell.  
A huge monster eating a small boy who holds a coffee mug.  
Ha, I bet she'll never figure that one out! Of couse, the little boy (_I give you a hint, he has a ponytail_) is a new recruit, one of those who are good for nothing as you say and tend to blow more things up than you can fix; the monster (_which is funny and witty and a good friend if you get to know it_) is you. I'm looking forward when she tries to interpret the picture and wants to talk about it. She'll get it so wrong, thinking you are the little boy and I drew me as the monster eating you. Psychs are so easy to fool, ain't they?

Yours sincerely, John


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay,

This letter concerns your paper on space travel via 'stargates'. We are sorry to tell you while this is a truly fascinating theorem, it belongs into realm of fiction, not science. Please do not bother us again with such irrational writings; maybe you try sending your papers to a publisher for modern drama next time.

Yours sincerely, Dr Johnathan Shapôrd

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

I'm having nightmares. Really bad ones, the kind that has you wake up screaming - only to find you're still not awake but caught in another dream, just when you thought you had awoken.

I'm running, always running, my feet hurt even when I'm awake from all the running in my dreams.  
I have to run to the gate to get Beckett here ASAP. I have to run to the lab from to stop you from turning on the ancient prototype of a Wraith grenade.  
I have to run to find a first aid kit to get more bandages to stop you from bleeding out. I have to run to be in time at the rendezvous point to hand over the ZPM in exchange for you. I have to run to get the hell away from you before I turn into a Itarus Bug and rip you apart.

God, I'm tired Rodney, so tired – I can't keep on writing, I really can't.  
I have to stop running. But I can't, for I still hear you call for help from underneath the debris, from the ocean, from the fire, from the Wraith ship... I have to keep on running to make it. It's getting late; too late.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

My dear friend Rodney,It has been three weeks since the royalists of Rekalta arrested me. I'm doing good so far, they threat me better than most of the other prisoners. I have my own cell, regular food and I'm allowed to write letter twice a week. I hope that you are doing good as well – how's your food? Hopefully it's healing up nicely, I know how much your offworld allowance means to you. But Keller seemed rather pleased with the progress you were making, so I'm kinda sure you are already hoping round on crutches and terrorize your stuff again. 

Maybe it would be for a better if you choose to stay on Atlantis? Please, do not get me wrong Rodney, you are a part of the team and a very valuable one as well, but I can't have you endanger yourself any further! You are to important to the expedition to die from a local warlords gun fire! And what about your family? What about your lovely wife Cassy and your children? Albert-Rodney and Vivane Marie needed you! So please, stop risking your life for others – this includes me. I will personally kill you if you try to do something stupid in order to get me out of here!

This is only a misunderstanding anyway; I will be free in no time once I get a chance to explain myself.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

Did it hurt?

Yours sincerely, John

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

"How's he doing?" 

"This is the most interesting case I've ever had, he shows an amazing variety of -"

"I asked you how he's doing, just give me the facts."

"Uhm - Major Sheppard is stable, the medication seems to help him to calm down and focus. But he's still - I doubt he's doing this intentionally – drifting between ten up to sixteen different versions of his own life. He has lost his grip on reality, but his theories are fascinating and-"

"We asked you to fix him, not use him as a study object."

"How can we fix him if we don't know who he is to begin with? We need more informations on his life to help him differ reality from fiction."

"You have all the information you need to know."

"So far, all we have got is a censored résumé! Major Sheppard is my patient – I can't treat him unless I know who he is and what has happened to him. If you are really this concerned, why don't you give us a hand? There's no evident brain damage, no trauma, all we know is he had a mental break down- "

"Then you know as much as we do! Damn, he's one of my best man, even if he can be a pain in the ass at times – I have no idea what could possibly break a man like him in such a short time! He escorted some scientists to an outpost in Antarctica, standard procedure, and the next thing we hear from him that he thinks he comes from an alien planet and threatens to kill everybody!"

"I see... Colonel Sumner – has Major Sheppard ever mention a person called Dr McKay to you? Dr Rodney McKay? Is he's some friend of him? John is talking about him constantly, maybe a visit from him would help him getting back to normal?"

"McKay? Never heard of him... Look, he was talking about alien cities and monsters when they brought him back, I doubt this Dr McKay is even existing for real. Whatever they did, they messed him up for good... I swear if get my hands on those scientists, I will rip them a new one... Look, just do whatever you need to do to snap him out of this, okay?"

"He's a human being, not a machine! We need to know what happened to '_fix_' him!"

"Believe me, you're not the only one who'd like to find that out..."

* * *

_A.N: Last chap or more?_

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

I'm afraid you won't be able to decipher this letter, for it's already all soaked through. But no matter how long I shower and wash my hands, the blood won't stop coming! It's dyeing the paper red, dripping from my fingers, spreading over the tabletop, soiling the floor... So much blood, so much blood! What should I do? Narmson tells me there isn't any blood, it's just my imagination, but I can smell the cooper, it's everywhere! Whatever I touch has bloody finger prints on it, my hands won't stop bleeding even though there's no wound on them - it is the blood of someone else.  
Whose blood it is, she's asking? I don't know know! It's blood, too much blood, somebody has died, no, it must have been at least a dozen people or so, the blood already is up to my knees, I'm afraid to move – if I slip and fall, I will drown in blood; Why is there so much blood? Who died? Who died?

* * *

Rodney, 

Here's the plan. Two hours after midnight, Ronon cause a big turmoil in his cell, trying to kill one of his cell mates or so.  
Meanwhile, I will slip of my chain and open the lock of my cell.  
I need you to be ready when I come for you, try to disable as many security features as possible.  
Once I got you out, we'll fetch Ronon and Teyla and get the hell out of here.  
Destroy this note after reading it!

John

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

What did you do? What the hell did you just do? You destroyed my life! No, not only my life – the life of everybody on Atlantis! '_It's just for a few days, until I figure out to reverse it_', '_The changes will only been minor_', 'A_ chance of one to 5.1 billion for it to spread_'. You damn ignorant idiot! Wasn't the one thing Pegasus taught us '_if something could go wrong, it will go wrong and will be fucked up beyond recognition_'?  
The ancient couldn't find a solution, what the hell made you think you, some little, unimportant, petty, braindead wanna-be scientist like you could??

You asshole turned me into a freaking replicator! And every one exept you got affected as well, excpt you who was smart enough to hide in a puddle jumper and flee ...  
'_I only tried to save your life_' - you coward, crying like a baby, hiding and running for your live, leaving us behind to die or transform completely..  
You just wanted to show of how smart you were, didn't you? Oh, Dr Rodney McKay, holder of two Ph.D's - not tree like you told us at the beginning - aiming for the nobel prize, being so damn smart, smarter than anybody else?

But just wait until I break free, I will come after you and turn you into a replicator as well – then you know how fucked up it is to be one!

Yours sincerely, John Sheppard, former human

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

The Dragon is back to sweet-talking and being nice to me. I think it's quite suspicious how she tries to get me to talk about you; about your looks, your personality, your works... Maybe she's a Wraith in disguise, like the one on the Aurora, trying to get valuable information out of me?

But wouldn't they send a prettier one? I don't do the ice queen type at all, I do like soft, tanned women with dark hair. Like Weir, or Teyla – they were off limits of course, but really, really pretty. As far as I can recall, you weren't that particular about women – pretty and intelligence seemed to be your only concerns. But I never saw you go for one for real – that little thing with the botanist wasn't what I would call an affair, more like an excuse.  
Maybe I should hook you up with someone more suitable? Maybe you would do better with a guy after all... You need someone to order you round and stand up to your moods and insults who doesn't expect you to apologize afterwards...  
But I guess physics will always be the only love you need in your life, so I why do I worry anyway?

Well, once they release me from hospital, I should make you tag along to go out, maybe you'll get a bit more of a social life than your cat and co-workers?

Yours sincerely, John

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

Today the funniest thing happened to me! I was sitting in my room, reading a paper, when suddenly, without knocking, a rather short woman came in. She claimed to be my Doctor, and said she was here to help me. She immediately began to question me, asking me what I remembered and so on – it was really funny, she was convinced that she was a famous psychologist, I really didn't have the heart to throw her out, and decided to play along. She called herself Narmson, and was really happy when I let her do a Rorschach Test on me and made a few jokes to cheer her up. After an hour or so she got up, saying I needed to rest, and thanked me for finally letting her in, in a really cute way. Maybe she belongs to this rich swedish family which moved in across the hall yesterday? I wouldn't mind having her visit me again, this vacation is way more boring than I could ever have imagined.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Meredith, 

I miss you... I really, really miss you, so bad I barely manage get up in the morning, forcing myself to continue living. I never knew losing you would hurt so much; it feels like a part of me died along with you on the hospital bed. Little Jeanny is doing fine, she such a pretty smart little girl, just like her Mom... I promised you to not cry, but it's getting harder everyday, it's not getting better, only worse.. . Despite knowing you were going to die from the brain tumor for almost one year now, I still refused to give up hope – even now, I think this is just a bad dream, that you suddenly burst into my room, scolding me for being such a pathetic crybaby.  
I love you, I will never stop loving you, so please keep waiting for me, just a little longer, okay? When Jeanny is old enough to understand...  
Until then, please, Mer, wait for me.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dear Rod, 

How's Atlantis 2.0? It has been 24 hours since you have stepped into the camber, and the rip is getting wider by the minute. According to my calculations, you should have already shut down the project – what the hell are you doing? I should have gone there myself; no, both of us should gone there. I wonder which idiot started this project anyway – maybe it was an alternative Carter? Seriously, there should be a dimension wide ban for this woman from anything more complicated than a hair drier. Hopefully I haven't been in charge of the project... Though, not even an alternative version of mine with only half my brains serving in the army could possibly this inane ... Which most likely means I am dead – no wonder that universe allows idiots who play with dimension bridges to get a science degree in the first place.

Well, hurry up and get your work done Rod, I'd rather not have to kill you along with that universe...

Yours sincerely, Dr John Sheppard

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

This is my last letter to you I'm afraid, for they will come back and take away my pen and papers once they patched up Dr Narmson. Sorry, I got carried away, I knew I shouldn't have hit her in the face, I never hit a woman before, but I couldn't help myself, I had to shut her up!!

She told me you are dead; in fact I never knew you for you died seven years ago in a car accident, and I must have read about you one day and perchance after 'the shock' I came up a universe of my own to protect myself... This is bullshit! We have been to Atlantis together, fought the Wraith, watched DVD, I talked to you, touched you damn it! There's no way this is just a imagination if mine, I can still hear you informing everybody of your citrus allergy and what not – I know you are real! I will try to escape while I can, so don't worry if you won't hear from me in a while. I need to get out of here and find out what happened to you and all of the others.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

"When did he leave?"

"Colonel Sheppard stepped through the gate at 0600, Dr Weir."

"Any sign of an attack, or maybe some energy force?"

"No ma'am, we secured the whole area and triple check the sensor feed of the midway station - whatever did this to him, it must have happened during the gate travel."

"What an earth might have... call me if there's any news from the SGC."

"Yes Dr Weir."

"Carson? How is John doing?"

_"His life functions are stable, it's almost like he's just fast asleep."_

"Almost?"

_"There are unusual activity spikes in his brain activity; I have no idea what might cause them."_

"Maybe something is possessing him?"

_"I'm afraid right now, everything is possible Elizabeth; I have brought him into a quarantine cell. The blood samples should provide us with some more insight of what is going on."_

"I hope so Carson ... First Rodney, and now John - I don't know how to keep Atlantis running without the two of them. God, I can't lose John as well."

_"We won't lose John, he is a tough lad and has survived way worse things. So keep your pretty head up, Elizabeth. "_

"Thanks Carson...But I'm so sick watching people die right in front of my eyes ... Not John as well, I couldn't bear it."


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

_A.N: Some Rodney are dead, some are not ;)_

* * *

"Rodney..." 

"Not now!"

"Rodney... I think you really-"

"Radek! I said NOT NOW!"

"You have not slept for two days, and barely ate anything! You won't be much of a help if you faint, you know?"

"Will you shut up? Somebody's trying to work here."

"Rodney, I'm just as worried as you are about Colonel Sheppard, but working till you drop is only going you ruin your own health and won't help him. Let us continue from here on, you get some rest. Don't make me radio Dr Keller to come and sedate you."

"I already told you I'm fine."

"Your hands are shaking."

"Leave me alone."

"Rodney - we have got time. Sheppard is just in a coma, he isn't suffering or-"

"How can we know for sure that for sure? Maybe his mind is trapped in an ancient device, or some alien energy form is possessing him and eating him from the inside, or is brain has been fried - we need to find out what happened when he turned on the chair... I just can't sleep until I know he's alright! He's my family Radek, I need him by my side- and - and-"

"Rodney? Rodney!!! _DR Keller, this is Zelenka, Dr McKay just collapsed in the main lab._"

"_What happened to him?_"

"_I think it's just exhaustion, but he took quite a fall._"

"_I will be there in a minute._"

"_Thank you. Zelenka out._"


	12. Chapter 12

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

Sorry for my choice of paper, but it's the best you get out here. I'm traveling by foot again, the last truck driver was way to curious for my liking. Why do people always assume I'm a terrorist or something? Well, it's nice out here anyway, the weather is fine and the trail is easy to hike along,. Reminds me of our offworld missions – well, the good ones at least. The ones where we didn't have to run for our lives, get shot at or accidentally activated ancient stuff. Hey, don't give me that look, you know there must have been a mission like that. Sure, we ran into trouble more often than not, and most of the time barely got away within an inch of our lives - but there have been days when even you almost stopped complaining. Though you would never admit it, but you miss those good old days too, don't you? Each time I call you, you sound more and more depressed, despite having everything you longed for – your own lab, unlimited research fundings and a lucrative project which not only got you the noble price but the admiration and love of Samantha Carter. You should be happy - but it's no use, for you miss us, the team, the missions, the chaotic life on the edge, just like I do. Sometimes I regret we moved Atlantis back to Earth, saving the planet and so on, for it destroyed what we had... Well, if you read this letter, I should be almost pounding on your front door, so get the guest bed ready – I intend to stay for a while! Let's celebrate your birthday – 60 years already, you're getting old fast – and relive the good old times once more, as long as we can still recall them.

Yours sincerely, John

* * *

Dearest Rodney, 

I'm sorry, I have lost the ring! I have searched everywhere, but I can't find it!  
I'm horrible sorry, please don't be mad with me. It was such a lovely ring! If I only had not worn it when I went for a walk this morning, but it looked so nice with the new dress Mama bought me – and I wanted to show off in front of Peggy Swanstein, showing her what a sweet and caring person my Rodney is, picking the loveliest ring in the whole word for me, gold and green, just like my eyes...  
But now I have lost it! Mama says I should stop crying, and that we will sure find the ring again, but I'm so sad that I have lost it, please Rodney, don't be mad with me!

Your always loving you, Johanna Sheppard

* * *

Dear Rodney, 

Who are you? Are you alive, or are you dead? I'm getting confused... I remember you talking about astrophysics one moment, and the next you are a Wraith trying to kill me; You playing with your son, you bleeding to death in hot desert sand... Who are you Rodney – and who am I? I don't know, I don't know... The woods are closing me in, suffocating me, I lose my way, I don't know who I am – do you know?

But, you don't even know yourself, do you? There are thousand me, there are thousand Rodneys – but which one is mine?

Who am I?

Please, if you know who I am, if you know who you are, tell me! I'm begging you!

Yours sincerely, (maybe) John Sheppard


	13. Chapter 13

_The end is near ;)  
I hope things get clearer, thanks for reading!_

* * *

"So you think an ancient device is behind this?" 

"Well, given who's usually to blame if things get weird – and I mean not like _We are crazy robots _or _Food surrender we are superio_r shit – I'd say it's some messed up ancient device."

"But Colonel Sheppard didn't touch anything, and he just collapsed in the mess hall yesterday – don't you think it's a bit too early to jump to conclusions?"

"Okay, let me explain it one more time for the slow folks here. Sheppard broke down, no obvious reason to it, no injuries, no poison, the scanner showed no brain tumor or anything which could explain his status quo. He's pretty much like a computer in stand-by mode, with main system is currently not in town. All we have to do now-"

"Rodney, you are not a doctor."

"Neither are you; but Keller has no idea what's going on either."

"Zelenka is right, this is madness. You will not use that device on him."

"But Sam, it's just a-"

"I said no. And Zelenka is not going to help you to persuade me. The risk is far too big."

"What risk? The risk of finding out what happened? Look, to us it might only be mere 24 hours, but what about Sheppard? Remember when he found those ancient-wanna-ascended-bes? He could be stuck for about 2000 years already!"

"You could fry his brain; And there's no word from Dr Keller yet this isn't just a normal, maybe fatigue induced coma-"

"And you will wait until there's no chance to pick up where the part of Sheppard that makes Sheppard Sheppard is. Okay, I understand, no problem, I will just watch him becoming a vegetable."

"Rodney..."

"Look Sam, let's wait three – okay, six hours, and if nothing changes until then, we give it a try?"

"This is madness... You're going to kill him..."

"Look me in the eye, and tell me honestly Sam – do you really think this is just a normal coma, which can be threat, and from which Sheppard will wake up on his own?"

"What I think is not important here, this is about rules, facts and careful decisions. Not about intuition or brilliant plans."

"Sam... Okay, twelve hours then?"

"Rodney, I already said NO!"

"You know waiting any longer might... Think about what happened-"

"Rodney, stop this... One day. We wait one more day. Then you might give it a try – but only if you present me your calculations and results first."

"Thank you Sam."

"Just make sure you don't kill John."

* * *

"Rod, Rod, I think you should take a look at those readings!" 

"Yeah, Yeah. Just quit calling me Rod, okay? I'm not calling you Rad either. So, what you got?"

"Those reading show an incredible spike of energy which passed the portal about twenty years ago, just before the station went into hibernation. And now look at the date."

"July 4th... 6 am... Are you sure this is correct? This – that would- this can't be it?!"

"I triple check it, there's no doubt. Whatever this portal let pass through – the timing would be too much of a coincidence."

"I can't believe it... Finally, I get to know... I only wished Mom was still round to see this. She'd never really got past losing Dad."

"Sorry pal."

"Na, it's okay Radka. What do you think, should we power this baby up? Of course we'd have to ask General McKay first – but I'm sure Maddy will give us thumbs up if we tell her it's to bring her uncle back."

"The system have not been damaged; the station is just out of juice. It should be save."

"Alright then! Let's get this party started and find out what happened to my old man."

* * *

"Sheppard? Can you hear me?... Of course, you can't, or else ways I would not climb into that damn camber again... I doubt there's anything left inside your head that was 'you', and I really shouldn't stand here and soliloquize... 

But it's really soothing, you see, my hands already have stopped trembling...

God, I just can't step into that chamber again, not when I still feel like dying over and over again from the last time.. But there's no other way to get you back...

John, why can't I leave you alone even for just a second? At the moment I head of to save our universe, you manage to have your soul sucked into another dimension by god only knows what!

If you weren't on the brink of dying, I would kill you myself! sigh

Okay, so if I manage to find you, and if I get you back – then I will tie you down on that bed of yours and have guards patrolling your quarters night and day. No more offworld missions, no more stunts, not even MENSA meetings, got it?  
Or even better, if we get alive out of this, I will invent something to convince you that living a calm and peaceful life on a ranch in Colorado or in a small house in Montreal would be the best... Don't die on me, will you? I will now go and drag you back were you belong, so hold on, just a little bit longer..."

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

_Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!!  
I hope you are not to mad with mefor this End... _

* * *

"Rodney?" 

"It's alright... just go back to sleep John."

"John? Why do you – you are Rodney?"

"Yes, I am. Now please rest, we will soon land. Everything will be alright, I know how to fix it. Trust me."

"Trust you?"

"I forgot... To you this might have been only yesterday... to some you it even is... Jo – I mean, Colonel Sheppard, please, just this one time, trust me."

"Of course I trust you, you saved me back on R4-Mar8 ... didn't you? Or did you leave me there? I thought I killed you? Haven't I? Beckett and Zelenka repaired the machine and stop you from ascending? Didn't they? Oh no, you drowned and-"

"John, try not to think about this to much. Unfortunately, the ancients in this universe didn't have the time destroy their little mind bridge 'project'. "

"Mind bridge?"

"It was meant to transfer information to alternative universes, to stop people from making the same mistakes over and over again. It was not meant to be used by humans; you see what it did to you."

"You died."

"I already told you to not think about this. You'll only get even more confused than you already are. Currently, Sheppards from every universe there is are messing around in your head."

"Hm... Which Rodney are you?"

"Hu?"

"I asked you, which Rodney you are... You are alive, ain't you? Are you human, or are you a hologram? Maybe you are a Replicator... or just another hallucination? ... But you look very real to me... Do you have a scar on your forearm? And one on your chest, where Beckett opened your ribcage to insert the new heart? Have you been branded, or was that just a weird dream? Do you love me, or do you hate me? Are you married? Did you teach Zelenka how to swim, or did you kill him by manipulating a project? Are you the Rodney who blew up Atlantis, or the one who saved everybody? Are you allergic towards lemon? Do you have a crush on Carter?"

"... Sheppard, please, just let it be. This is leading nowhere."

"Are you my Rodney?

"..."

"You do look like my Rodney... or like the Rodney I think is mine.. only they say you are dead, you are gone, I have no Rodney – but you are here, in this place, with me, so you have to be my Rodney, right?"

"To some Sheppard, I might be '_his_' Rodney, okay? But for now, please shut up..."

"Is this a puddle jumper? ... What is a puddle jumper? ... I'm so tired..."

"Go to sleep John, and when you wake up everything will be the way it was before. You won't even recall what happened, and continue living a normal – well, as normal as a John Sheppard's life can be anyway – life... Everything will be alright."

"Will you ... be ... there?"

"..."

"Rodney?"

"I promise you will not miss me."

"But ... I ..."

"Sleep John. Please, sleep."

* * *

"So, how are you doing John? ... Still not talking to me? 

You know, you gave all of us quite a scare, suddenly disappearing like that – we thought we'd never see you again until the patrols found you... I wonder how you got this far by foot...

You do remember me, don't you? I'm Dr Narmson, Sally Narmson. You are safe here... I wonder what happened to you, John?

Won't you tell me?

No?

Maybe you would like to write it down?

Yes?

I brought you some paper and pens, how about giving it a try?

Common, trying won't hurt you...

Yes, very good... Already finished?

But isn't it a bit short? Don't you want to go on?

Take your time, you can write anything down you want to...

Why are you crying John? Are you hurting? What's wrong? John? What did you write..."

_- Dear Rodney -_


	15. Epilogue

**Call me a crybaby - after reading the story once more and seeing the reviews, I decided chapter 14 really isn't a proper ending...**

**So ... screw it, here comes the real, just a _tiny_ bit kitschy thing :)  
**

**Thank you all for your patience!! **

* * *

Dear John, 

Thank you for your letters.  
Sorry it took me so long to answer them – but you know I am a busy man.  
Since you wouldn't shut up, even when I sedated you, here are some answers to your question to who I am...

I am not the Rodney who beats you at golf, and I don't like to play pool.

"Death is not the End" is not the song I would want to have played at my funeral.

I am allergic against lemons and bees, but not towards tomatoes, rubber ducks or ginger.

Mer isn't a 'cute' form of Meredith, for Meredith is no acceptable name. Some goes for Rod, Rodi or Rodette.  
I am _Rodney_.

There may be some alternative me who think sex in a puddle jumper is great – but not me.

I am not the Rodney who drowned trying to save the city, nor the one that did get tortured to death for not passing on a secret plan.  
I still have all of my arms and legs.

We didn't grew up together in a small cottage in Wales; we never used to go fishing at night.

My sister is alive and well, my parents didn't ever beat us up or tried to kill us.

I'm not stupid enough (anymore) to call any civilization having bigger guns than we do backwardish.

Sam is charming, and so are Teyla and Elizabeth; but I didn't sleep with any of them or got shot for doing so (same goes for Beckett, Zelenka and Lorne).

There are ten Star Trek film, not elven.

I don't have a daughter named Alberta nor a son named John; if I were to wear a wedding ring, it wouldn't be a golden one for sure.

I'm not the Rodney who threw himself in front of you to stop a bullet; I did not bleed to death in your arms after getting stabbed.

I never terrorize my staff; I just politely point out when they are wrong or scold them a bit for being a little bit on the dumb side.  
Really. I never yell at my people.  
Mostly.

Why should I ever call you fat?

I am not the Rodney who thought switching on the cubic device in lab 3 was a good idea.

There are some scares I have, but I have no a tattoos or a piercings.

It's a Zed-pee-em, not a Zee-Pee-eee.

I am the one you called arrogant, petty and down right evil at times – but you never stopped trusting me for real.

I'm not the Rodney who called Ronon a cavemen and got beaten up for it;  
and I'm definitely not the Rodney who has married him and broke up for a affair with Teal'C either.

I haven't ever worn a red dress to pose as a captive princess, and refuse to believe there's any me in the whole multiverse who would do so.

I'm not the Rodney who whispered I love you whilst dying, but didn't remember you when re-ascending.

If I were to met an alternative me who would try to bridge universes, I would beat him up.

Nobody executed me for killing the population of a whole solar system; but I did suffer from blowing up one.

We never sat underneath a weeping willow and talked about good old times, when our bones weren't aching from rheumatism and gout and we took down Wraith ships before breakfast - but I would really like to do so one day.

I'm not the Rodney who cried seeing you march down to the altar at the arm of your father. And I am not the one who punched you in the face when you confessed your love to me.

There's no way in hell I would leave you behind on a empty planet with no water and food.

I'm not limping from stepping into a trap Ford set up, nor am I blind or deaf for blowing something up.

You never shot me.

I am the Rodney who thinks jello beats popcorn anytime.

I am the Rodney who is apologizing far to little and is too stubborn for is own good.

I am the Rodney who doesn't train with Ronon or Teyla for he knows he'll lose anyway and it would _hurt_.

I am the Rodney who can play guitar just as well as piano, but doesn't want to show it, for he thinks it's embarrassing to have anybody listen to him.

I am the Rodney who forgot his 37th birthday and had nobody to remind him.

I am the Rodney who would rather die than admit he keeps staring at his team leader when he thinks nobody's watching.

I am the Rodney who is missing a Sheppard who used to tease him for being pudgy.

I am the Rodney who is missing a Sheppard who has impossible hair, impossible manners and a smile charming enough to even make a rock consider it's preferences.

I am the Rodney who is missing a Sheppard who risked everything to save a friends life.

I am the Rodney who is missing a Sheppard who risked everything to save a friends life and died for it.

I am the Rodney who promised you that you wouldn't miss me, while praying you would.

... I am the Rodney who might just pack his bags, check out of his universe and cross a few dimensions to visit a Sheppard who asks him to stay, despite knowing he is not _his _Rodney, and that he himself is not _his_ Sheppard, but is just being to much of a Sheppard to let stuff like that bother him...

Yours sincerely, Rodney


	16. Reunions

* * *

_Happy Easter!!  
Here's my little Easter Bunny for you :)_

A few 'Reunion' POV of the alternative John Sheppard's (each section is a stand alone)

* * *

▶"Honey, I'm home!"

"It's about time, we just wanted to start dinner without you!"

"Daddy!"

"Whoa, not so fast Captain Speed! Have you been a good boy?"

"Yeeees!"

"You mean except for almost setting the house under water?"

"Moooom!"

"Hey Mer, where's my kiss by the way?"

-smooch-

"Ah, now that's a good girl- ouch, Mer, your love is quite painful!"

"I prepared lemon chicken, so we better eat while it's still lukewarm, Captain Slow."

"Ah, common Mer, don't be so hard on me... I feel asleep in my bureau, I already got scolded enough by my secretary for doing so."

"If it weren't for Samuel, you'd never come home for oversleeping... I told you this job would bore you to death in no time."

"Would you please hand me the salad – as I recall it, you were to one who bullied me into taking a desk job honey..."

"Bullied? Bullied!? I just told you it might be a little bit dangerous to work as a patrolman – after you got shot three times in one month!"

"Mom, Dad..."

"Sorry sweetie."

"Sorry."

"Mom, Dad, maybe you should go to see a counselor, seriously."

"Mer, you sure he's our kid?"

"Dad!"

"Terry, your Mom and I sure do argue a lot, but that's just who we are. Before you were born, we have been through a lot of stuff, and we almost lost each other more than one time, the one way or the other. But as long as we are still bickering, I guess things are sort of ... normal."

"I see..."

"That's my boy."

"Dad, Mom – through what sort of stuff have you been?"

"Ah, sorry, that's top secret... If I told you, I would have to kill you afterwards..."

"Mom, Dad's just kidding, right? Mom?"

"Uhm... Well... Anybody peach pie?"

"Sure mer, wait, I'll help you."

"And Ronan thinks his parents are weird..."

* * *

▶"McKa- uhm, Rodney?"

"Hu? Colonel Sheppard – Sir?"

"What are you working on?"

"Uhm... well, it's a transistor for ... for ..."

"Why are you so nervous Rodney? Oh, here, I brought you something... how about a muffin? But don't tell the others, it's the last one"

"Uhm – thank you Sir... Is there anything you need?"

"No, I just came down here to see how you're doing, that's all."

"Ah, well then... okay..."

"Just ignore me and continue working. I really don't mean to disturb you."

"No, no, you don't disturb me, not at all Colonel Sheppard."

"John."

"Hu – Sir?"

"John, you can call me John, Rodney. I think we have known each other long enough, haven't we?"

"Sorry, I know, this must be really awkward for you... But I have to make things up to you, I know it may be to late already, but ... I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry for what I did to you Rodney."

"Colonel Sheppard, are you sure you're feeling alright? You have been in a coma for two weeks, maybe you should-"

"You're right Rodney, I'm not feeling alright. To be true, I feel horrible – for taking you from the team, for shutting you out, for talking Elizabeth into demoting you... for thinking you didn't deserve a second chance. I am sorry Rodney."

"This is... a sudden change..."

"When I was in coma, I had a dream - no, a nightmare. A nightmare so bad I'd go insane. I lost you – again and again and again, you died in my arms, you just were gone and nobody knew where I could find you, you killed yourself because of me... I never made it in time, not once."

"Please, you have to believe me Rodney! I know you won't ever forget how wrong I did you – but please, believe me, I am sorry. I will do anything to make it up to you."

"I see... You can stop now Colonel Sheppard."

"Rodney?"

"Do you think I would fall for that trick again? I am arrogant and a monster, but not stupid. Okay, tell me, where's the camera this time? Maybe in your vest? Or did Radek get the security camera back online?"

"Rodney, please, you have to-"

"No, I don't. Get the hell out of here! I said out!"

"Please- Listen to me-"

"Nice show Colonel, you're a real good actor. Now go back to your friends and tell them how I almost fell for it!"

"What? No – LISTEN ROD-"

"Lock up – Code 3, soundproof."

"Rodney? Rodney!! Open up that damn door!! .. Atlantis, override Code 3!"

"Prohibited."

"Damn, Damn, DAMN!! ... I know you'll never forgive me... but this time, I won't lose you Rodney... I won't ...!"

* * *

▶"Rodney?"

"Sshhhh, go back to sleep John... It's only 6 o'clock."

"Where are you going?!"

"You already forgot? And just who was the one who practically forced me to jog with Ronon?"

"Did I?"

"Geez, you are really not at your top in the morning ...You know anybody else who'd make me train with the caveman without an imminent death threat?"

"Uhn... Stay."

"I'm afraid I can't – unless you get up and tell the Neanderthal straight in the face why his second favorite punching bag won't come out to play today."

"He can't kill us both..."

"He'd sure try... John, would you mind letting me go? As much as I appreciate snuggling instead of wrestling right now, I'm afraid I have to leave – hey, what's wrong with that look on your face? You know, Ronon's not gonna kill me..."

"You'll come back, won't you?"

"No, actually I'll elope with Conan's grandson and will wear hauberk for the rest of my life... John, what's wrong?"

"Just a bad dream... A really, really bad dream... thought you were gone..."

"Wishful thinking, hu?

"I ... love you, you know that?"

"Of course I do, retard... Now go back to sleep, I refuse to have discussions with you when half your brain's still offline, Major I-really-don't-do-mornings-but-force-my-lover-to-go-jogging-in-the-middle-of-the-night."

"Thank you."

"What for? Being sarcastic?"

"Being here."  
"You're still fast asleep, ain't you?"

* * *

"So here you are."

"What are you doing here Ford."

"Same to you Sir."

"Ford, have you ever regretted something?"

"Sure, who doesn't."

"I haven't ever. Until now."

"Sir, with all due respect - He was a traitor."

"They had tortured him Ford; do you know what that can do to a man?"

"Sir?"

"He was my responsibility. It's our duty to protect the civilians on the missions"

"You did everything you could."

"Did I? Looking back, I'm not sure anymore."

"He knew what was awaiting him when he joined the expedition. He made his choices."

"And we made ours; now he is dead."

"It was him or us Sir. You had no choice."

"Before I activated the device, I saw something, like a vision - I could see what might have been... if I only got to know him, we might have been friends."

"Sir, you had been severely injured in that incident; maybe the trauma-"

"Yeah, I know Ford. Most likely, it was just my imagination; but I can't help wonder what might have been if McKay hadn't betrayed us."

* * *

▶"I only say _whirlpools_!"

"What are whirlpools?"

"Oh, they are like hot tubes with air, really cool."

"If Elizabeth only allowed us to reroute some energy..."

"Why isn't he killing the creature?"

"It's a horror movie Ronon, it doesn't have to be logical."

"You said yourself the water park would eat up an insane amount of energy."

"That was before I found the ancient version of a whirlpool... They even have a massage function!"

"If you think it's so great, why don't you try to talk Rodney into it? He'd sure come up with some solution."

"John..."

"Uhm... Yeah, sorry – hey, I'll go and get some beer, it's almost gone..."

"He's doing it again."

"Dr Keller said he be confusing things for quite some time due to the shock..."

"It has been three months already, and he still talks about McKay like that."

"We have to give him more time; He'll eventually come to terms with it."

"Wasn't he the one who came up with the idea of a 'Happy new year, McKay's gone for good' party?"

"Yeah, Lorne's right. Sometimes I think he really forgot everything that happened."

"Well, John has always been very patient with Dr McKay..."

"But in the end not even he could ignore just what a – sorry for my choice of words – asshole he was! Remember when he used his best friend as a test subject? Or let Watson work on that device even though he knew what it would do? Manipulating Sheppard's feelings to get what he want... He was a monster; sending him to Siberia was far too kind for my lik-"

"Shh!"

"Okay, I got some Budweisser and Radeberger... Don't tell me they already killed off Johnny? Common, that's my favorite part -"

"Commanding officer or not, we won't watch that part again Sir."

"Oh please Lorne, don't be such a drag... Just once! It's the only cool thing in the movie!"

"No!"

"I just say sewer duty."

"You are worse than the Wraith..."

"Once More, With Feeling Lorne."

"Happy now?"

"Yeah... I'm happy... I'm happy."

* * *

▶"Sarah, is Rodney here already?"

"Grandpa, you know Uncle McKay died twelve years ago. He won't come over anymore."

"Ah... Sorry Sarah... I must be getting old..."

* * *

▶"You make speak now."

"Not guilty."

"MONSTER! You killed him!! He was just only 13!!"

"Mrs Miller, please, compose yourself!"

"You should be grateful... If I had not killed Rodney, he would have killed us all one day... you really should be grateful Jeannie..."

"How – How can you say something like that Johnny?? He was your friend..."  
"I had to stop him Jeannie. I could not let him become like that... I had no choice but save him..."

* * *

▶"Astrophysics? I never knew..."

"Sorry Nancy ... did I wake you up?"

"The baby was crying... remodified theorem of sub space travel – you never cease to amaze me John, but I'd rather have you back in bed then have you spend the whole night hunched over your Laptop. Can't this wait till tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep, so I just wanted to look up something."

"Lost a bet?"

"No, besides, didn't I promise you to never bet again?"

"So no return of the caterpillar man? Though you looked sort of cute with short hair..."

"Hm... that's nice... 'Kay, I'll switch it off..."

"You're not going to save it?"

"Na, I just wanted to look up this guy, Dr McKay or so – I thought I heard his name once, but I couldn't remember where..."

"Must have been on TV – I'll be waiting upstairs... don't keep me waiting, tiger."

* * *

▶"I'd rather not eat the cherry pie!"

"And why so?"

"Had one last night – I tell you, I had the weirdest nightmare ever... "

"How bad?"

"I seriously think about talking to Heightmeyer."

"Ouch."

* * *

▶"You say it. But the blueberry isn't bad either."

"Rodney, I have something to ask you."

"Hm, yes – detector with blue dot right from you – Thanks."

"Are you listen to me? This is important."

"Sure, sure – yellow crystal."

"Okay. Meredith Rodney McKay, will you marry me?"

-donk-

"Ouch – WHAT?"

"At least I have your attention now. What I really want to know is, have you got any idea what that ancient glibber ball I activated yesterday does?"

"I hasn't done anything Sheppard to you, it's just a sleeping light or something, and if you don't believe me why don't you test it again to see for yourself?"

"I dumped it into the ocean."

"You WHAT? Are you -"

"If it doesn't do anything then why are you so upset?"

"It's a valuable, ancient artefact we are talking about here! You just can't dump it into the ocean! Why'd you do such a thing??"

"It took me three hours this morning to figure out who I am, where I am, and what happened the last forty years and what didn't. This thing did something to me!"

"Hm... Maybe it's just – what do you call that again – PMS?"

"You are a jerk... I'm being serious here Rodney. I have to know what this thing does, and what it was meant for. Now."

"Why? I mean, look, I'm working here on something really big- okay, okay, I'll listen, but only if you put down that gun – it's not loaded, right?"

"It is, and I'm thinking about using it on you if you don't help me!"

"Look, Sheppard, why don't we just calm down a bit and go to see Beckett and-"

"No we won't! Have you any idea what I have been through?!"

"Uhm – no?"

"I thought you were dead! And had betrayed me, and we had four children and you got the noble prize, and you had an affair with Ronon and we never knew each other and you busted Arcturus and committed suicide and built a second Atlantis because you had turned me into a Replicator-"

"Uhm – you sure you don't want to see Beckett? You sound a bit ... agitated."

"You will work on the database until you find out what that device did! I don't know if I'm glad you are alive or if I want to kill you – so you'd better find out why that is so before I find an answer for myself!"

"Uhm, okay Sheppard... okay... Everything will be fine... somehow..."

* * *

▶"Hey, Carson!! I think Sheppard is waking up!"

"Who... are you?"

"Uhn... I'm McKay, don't you remember me? Oh, this better not be."

"Which one?"

"Hu?"

"I asked you which McKay you are. I know you are a McKay... sort of..."

"What sort of question is this?"

"... Okay... Are we married?"

"I think you are worse concussed than Carson thought... Shouldn't I be the one asking you questions? Like, how many fingers do you see?"

"Ah, you still have your right hand, good... Are you allergic towards lemon?"

"Do pigs fly? Where the hell is Carson... HEY!"

"How many alien priestess have I dated?"

"Since when do you date chicks? Okay, no more Morphine for you, I'll tell the Scottish butcher..."

"Have you gotten fat while I was gone?"

"You really have a pending death wish, don't you? That's one of the questions you'd better not ask a lady, no matter how bad you hit your head..."

"Rodene?"

"Yes?"

"It... feels good to be home..."

"And there he goes again... four days out cold, two minutes around and once again dead to the world. Just as irritable as ever... Welcome home Sheppard."

* * *

▶_Regard: Is Sheppard losing his mind?_  
I just talked to Sheppard... he said he thinks about asking McKay to join his offworld team...

_Re:Regard: Is Sheppard losing his mind?_  
Oh my good, I thought that was just a rumor!! What comes next? Geeks in the gym?

_Re:Re:Regard: Is Sheppard losing his mind?_  
Be careful, or you'll get Zelenka on your team! Though, I'd rather have Zelenka than McKay on my team... Sheppard must be masochistic, that you is a monster! Have you heard how he treats his staff? Not even a Wraith could be that evil... E.E

_Re:Re:Re:Regard: Is Sheppard losing his mind?_  
Maybe he just wants to teach him a lesson? Or or plans to 'accidentally' lose him offworld... Not like anybody would blame him ;)

_Re:Re:Re:Regard: Is Sheppard losing his mind?_  
That better be it... I'm not looking forward to have to cover a nerd's ass offworld, tell ya!

* * *

▶"A headache?"

"Just a small one... I'm alright."

"Don't overdo it; It's just been a week since you have been released."

"I still can't believe you came for me... You sure you made the right choice? There must be... billions of Sheppard's out there more suitable – you do know I don't like to play golf? And I have been told I snore, really bad."

"John... you are no substitute for my Sheppard. Okay, so maybe the fact you are also John Sheppard is very - reassuring... But, I think I came her because you... chose me? I mean, you have seen everything I could be, and still asked me to stay... that's ... a lot, you see? I know I have done a lot of bad things... but you still-"

"Hey, I'm not such a great guy either... you talk like I was I saint or something...I think I just wanted any you to stay. There were so many me who regret letting you go... I just couldn't make the same mistake they did. This sound pathetic, doesn't it?"

"No. I think it sounds very, very right."

"Hm... Do you every wonder what happened to all the other Me? Do you think they will be alright?"

"I don't know... It's hard to say, I guess there's not even two Sheppards alike... But I think they'll come up with something. They always do."


End file.
